New Year - New Intention

I woke up yesterday morning feeling frustrated at myself for sleeping in and struggling with what it feels like to rest. I meditate every morning and decided to try and explore that feeling and see where it would take me. What I ended up deciding was that instead of shaming myself for this feeling - this year my purpose would be to rest. That might sound counter intuitive for someone trying to finish and launch a book, but the reality is that I put every ounce of creative energy into many other things in my life. Very few of which are how I actually want to spend that energy. By resting in the areas of my life I want to stop spending on, and leaving space for rest, my hope is that it will free up the energy I need to peruse what I love - which is creating art. A thing I was told was a waste of time and something to put away once I became an ‘adult’. Something that serious people don’t spend time and energy on. And something serious people can’t live on. My second hope is that those stories are not true. And likely never had been. My hope is that it’s never too late to chase a dream.

So that’s what I spent my NYE doing - building and creating this site as a way to put energy into actually bringing to existence a dream and an idea that’s been kicking around in my mind and in a messy Word doc for many years. I’m almost at the end of the rough story writing part and will be moving on to the editing portion next. Which I am both very much looking forward to and very much dreading. Even though I don’t myself have a creative job, I do work with many people who do, and I can say with much confidence it is a rare thing to actually finish and release something to the world. Many, many more people start or wonder or build than the number of people who see the creative vision through to the end and then share it with an audience. Speaking for myself, the fantasy of the project is much easier than the reality of it. And also the fear and doubt that come with sharing my writing with more people than just myself or in very rare cases, a few trusted friends. I’ve always written and journaled and poured out poetry, but it’s always been for myself. To get thoughts out that I can’t verbalize or face in any other way. My third hope is to hold on to that ideal even though I want to eventually share this book with more than just myself. To keep the process and intention to write for myself and without audience and self censorship. And to hope that I end up with the strength to share those thoughts with others as I intended when I wrote them and to keep that energy throughout the editing process. Now that I’ve made the decision to finish this project all the way through to the end.